Bad Printer



This is a story of a very bad printer.

One day, about a year ago, our trusty HP Printer that we had bought 6 years prior finally started to die. It was sad. At the time of its purchase, the printer was the most expensive thing I’d ever bought for the office. It survived several office moves and flagrant maintenance neglect with grace and élan.

When it came to replace it I found a cheap one on sale that was not an HP printer. Even though I knew HP had a stellar reputation for making great printers and despite having real proof of that reputation…I decided to be cheap. At first the printer worked great. Then about six days in we got repeated paper jams. Then the paper jams evolved into paper burns. Pretty soon the paper jam burns were getting so bad that we feared the printer might set us all on fire.

Our calls to the retailer were directed to the manufacturer. Our calls to the manufacturer were met with an astonishing response. We needed to purchases a support plan in order to merely talk to someone about what might be wrong with it. If work of any kind would be required to fix the printer – this would need to be an additional charge.

At this point we decided our best course of action would be to mercilessly destroy the fire breathing printer and set about creative ways to transition our evil friend to his eternal hereafter. An elaborate plan to…engineer a wooden truss that would be connected to an Arduino-based controller that would be connected to a Facebook application that would let our Facebook friends hit the printer with a hammer through the internet….was hatched.

For some reason…we got distracted with other work and never built that contraption. But when we moved out of the office this week…we revisited the plan and came up with something a little simpler. We asked out Facebook friends to help us choose a weapon (hammer, baseball batt or hockey stick), we visited our priests and re-watched a lot Office Space…and then I sent that god damn printer back to hell.