This Week’s Need to Know: Rebranding and Sniffing Glue

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NETFLIX BINGE…ACTIVATE!

In an attempt to stave off the kind of apocalyptic mass hysteria Bill Murray described in Ghostbusters…a British ice cream company is introducing “committment rings” designed to keep couples from cheating on each other when binge watching streaming shows. They work like thermonuclear submarine missile keys where you can only launch the show if both rings are present. In other news, a Dutch-Romanian ice cream company is introducing a thermonuclear weapon that will usher in the 1,000 years of darkness mankind deserves after realizing we don’t actual talk to each other anymore and only watch Netflix together in silence…when aided by ice cream company out-of-the-box promotional hardware.


 

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THE BRITISH WISH THEY HAD A TAKE BACK…

…but unfortunately learned you can’t, in fact, triplestamp a doublestamp. Because Google knows everything, they revealed that much of the British empire woke up the morning after the Brexit vote to Google terms like “EU” and “Brexit what does it all mean” and “best wood for building an arc.” America, not unfamiliar with rising the day after a lively night with only the acrid taste of bad decisions in its mouth, reached across the pond with reassurance. Obama was like, “everybody just calm down.” Trump, naturally, congratulated himself and the people of Scotland, who voted to NOT leave the EU, because of course he did. Stay tuned for the November election when 11,000 news cycles flush this grave warning from our minds and we elect a neo-fascist on a wave of isolationist fear and loathing. Did I say that out loud?


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TWITTER ANNOUCES #STICKERS…SNAPCHAT ROLLS EYES

Twitter announced a new feature rolling out on smartphones called #stickers. Having realized that innovating their platform away from being purely a news aggregator and unmonetizable media distribution channel is “hard,” Twitter gave up and decided to copy SnapChat. Think of stickers as fun little illustrations you can throw over your photos to make them more, you know, fun. Since it’s not live yet you can download the SnapChat app to see a less derivative execution of this exact feature.


 

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GOOGLE CALENDAR GOES DOWN…INTERNET PICKS WRONG WEEK TO STOP SNIFFING GLUE

Google calendar went down yesterday for a few minutes and the internet let out a collective “NOOOOOOOOO!” It was a nice reminder that the machines control us and we’re all doomed when they inevitably decide to turn against us. It was, however, nice to crack open a frothy brew at 9:30AM yesterday having been given a perfectly valid excuse to stop working and start drinking heavily. Right guys? That was fun, wasn’t it? Guys? Anyone? So dark…so cold…


 

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APPLE MIGHT BUY TIDAL

On the heels of an aggressive smear campaign against music streaming service Tidal, The Wall Street Journal reported that Apple is in talks to buy it. The move makes sense for both parties since they are at the little kid table looking up at Spotify’s 100MM active users. An acquisition would also empower Jay Z to make good on one of his central reasons for buying Tidal: to get artists paid better in a time when streaming services are squeezing them. Any by “artists” I mean the fledgling “artist-owners” who backed him…those poppy paupers like Madonna and Kanye West who can use their return on investment to finally make that monthly payment on their touring van.


 

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SANBORN MEDIA FACTORY IS DEAD. LONG LIVE SANBORN.

And last but not least, in case you missed the announcement that shook the world of digital media to its very foundation, Sanborn Media Factory changed its name to Sanborn. To preemptively answer your most pressing question: Yes, we hurt ourselves coming up with that new name. You can read an interview with Chris Sanborn by Chris Sanborn here if you want the probing news story behind this development.