This Week’s Need to Know: Hacking, poo, more hacking…

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Equifax, the Credit Reporting firm that decided no, you weren’t good enough to take out a mortgage on your dream house last year, reported this week that a hack in July compromised the information of 143 million Americans. If your reaction is, “holy shit, that’s a lot of people,” you’re absolutely right. The population of the United States is just over 320 million, so if you want to know whether your information is compromised, simply toss a coin into the air, turn around, and wander into a nearby forest never to be seen again.
OH WAIT THERE’S MORE GOOD NEWS! Some executives at Equifax were quick to spring into action by selling off their shares of the company before the news went public. Which is pretty illegal. Also, Equifax set up an online crisis center that asks you to enter your information back into the site it got hacked from, tells you nothing, and then tries to up-sell you on a premium membership. But I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. Everything is normal and cool and fun here in AMERICA.

 


 

Finally some news that I can relate to! A British man was forced to call 911 when his Tinder date got caught in a window trying to retrieve some poo she tried to hide there because she was too embarrassed to tell him that the toilet wouldn’t flush. Ya know, the classic love story. I’ve decided to feature this story in our newsletter because in an age of data breaches, rogue nuclear states, and Trump presidencies, all anyone really wants is an online date that doesn’t end with someone contacting emergency services. Just trying to keep it all in perspective.

 


 

Did you know that there are people who spend their time figuring out all the fun ways people are hacking into your electronic devices? It’s true! And some of them just figured out that your friendly household AI device can be hacked by inaudible frequencies. Meaning, it’s possible for someone (or some dolphin) to play a message you can’t hear that causes your Alexa to purchase the entire Nicholas Cage Discography from Amazon, or, like, unlock your back door and disable your home security system.