This Week’s Need to Know: Internet Dumpster Fires and Pizza Shoes

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Unless the only thing you do on your computer is play minesweeper, you may have noticed that Amazon poo’d the bed this week. An unwitting employee set off an avalanche of disruptions that took out their entire S3 Bucket data storage, resulting in massive outages across the internet. It was so bad that they couldn’t even display the red warning icons on their own dashboard that indicates when things are broken. Everyone at Sanborn ran around in circles for 5 hours on Tuesday screaming, “the internet is over!” until things came back online. At which point we resumed looking at gifs.

 


 

A high school scored big this week when they turned the Snapchat IPO into what is likely a multi-million dollar jackpot. A hip venture capitalist dad picked up on the app when he came home to find his kids obsessing over it. His firm became Snapchat’s very first investor—and he invited his daughters’ high school to get in on the deal with a $15k investment. This all seems too easy. Why am I not a millionaire yet?
In other Snap news, Snap now has apparently been working on Snap drones… so they can invade your privacy using more than just their quirky sunglasses. At least we can all take solace in knowing the videos will only be 10 seconds long.

 


 

Wonderful new advances are constantly being made in tech, and now, for anyone out there who wants to accidentally order pizza while tying their shoelaces, the impossible has become the possible. Pizza Hut Shoes! With just a press of the shoe’s tongue, the smart footwear will connect with a Pizza Hut location near you and dispatch a fresh pie. Foot Locker employees knew to stock them as far from the running shoes as possible to avoid confusing potential customers.

 


 

Because fitness culture wasn’t gross or macho enough already, what the world really needed was the i.Con smart condom to gamify our sex lives. The ultimate wearable tech for measuring your manliness—apparently it also detects syphilis. Unfortunately, men across the country who bought them are now having trouble putting the tech to use before the expiration date passes. We anticipate a Tinder integration in the near future.

 


 

Travis Kalanick the CEO of Uber received a devastating 2 star review this week from Uber driver Fawzi Kamel, after getting into a heated debate with the driver over Uber’s falling cab fares, and the impact that has on its workforce. In typically bro-ish fashion, Kalanick more or less told the guy to suck it up. We anticipate more Uber drivers giving Kalanick low star ratings in the future, perhaps even refusing to drive him home from the airport when there’s a cab strike going on.
You can watch the whole video here. And read this totally real apology letter.