This Week’s Need to Know: Putting the Christ Back in Christ on a Cracker

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2017 has been… a weird one. If you want a refresher, take a listen to this heart-attack-inducing audio recap of 2017 that the New York Times’ podcast released today.
Maybe one of the weirdest things about 2017 has been our unrelenting circulation of these downright unhinged emails. As we looked back over them, we began to notice a pattern of deteriorating sanity that was at once disturbing and beautiful. But we hope that when you think of us in your quietest moments… when Chris Sanborn’s angelic visage or Cris Hazzard’s haunting smolder float across your vision… while you’re staring out a subway window or zoning out while trying to read an email… that those, ultimately, are the words that come to mind: disturbing, and beautiful.
Anyway, we digress. Below are some of our favorite, most deranged stories we brought to you this year. Merry Freakin Whatever.

 


 

Things continue to spiral out of control on Twitter (and planet earth) as *unconfirmed* reports circulate about Russian-gathered intel on Trump in the form of SPY DOSSIERS gathered by a BRITISH INTELLIGENCE AGENT.  While there’s plenty to say about who did or didn’t pee on what and whether we’re now living in a rejected Homeland plot line, this looks like an early indicator of the role that social media will play in 2017, which is that once something starts trending on Twitter (or any platform), major outlets are going to scramble to provide coverage without being able to confirm the reports, and nobody is going to give a s#@t whether the news is real or not.
Fasten your seat belts everyone!—Chris Gray, “Fake is the New Real”

 


 

So, I have something I need to tell you. Don’t get upset, but your last Uber driver might have murdered someone. Don’t worry though, it was years ago, I’m sure it’s water under the bridge. Over 8,000 Uber and Lyft drivers in Massachusetts have been pulled off the roads after failing state background checks the uncovered felonies, sex offenses, and driving offenses in their pasts. Uber and Lyft, who only dig 7 years back on their background checks, cried that it was unfair. I’m sure Lyft will get over it. They just received an additional $500m in funding. It’s amazing how quickly you can get over things when someone gives you $500m.—Cris Hazzard, “A Bunch Of Crazy Computer Stuff”

 


 

Virtual reality. Augmented reality. Mixed reality. Vitamin C. Hyperbole. Afternoon tea. Joshua Tree. Wtf is even going on? Silicon Valley’s behemoths don’t seem to have any clue, but are nevertheless tripping over each other todevelop advancements and use cases for the technology—because now that there’s a salt shaker that texts you when it needs to be refilled there is clearly nothing left to invent in this plane of reality.
Indeed, Mark Zucker-mort reiterated this week that “over time this kind of content is going to augment existing real-world objects and eventually replace them,” which is f*&$ing terrifying, but Facebook-nemesis Snapchat has also applied for a patent recently that would map the world in an augmented reality database. Microsoft is keeping it way more real/practical by patenting technology for AR glasses that shame you out of eating more than one cheesy gordita crunch per day, IMAX VR now allows you to fall on your face with strangers, and two Brits who were clearly drunk when they thought of the idea are installing VR arcade games in pubs… complete with harnesses. All of which to say we’re probably about two South by Southwests away from fully turning into the fat people at the end of Wall-E.—Livia Nelson, “Happy Mother’s Day to All of the Moms and iPads Out There”

 


 

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and wife Louise Linton flew down to Kentucky to discuss saving stupidly rich people money “tax reform” with Mitch McConnell. Linton ‘grammed a glamour shot of herself en route via government jet, replete with tags for the designers of her overpriced outfit (Hermes, Roland Mouret, Tom Ford and Valentino). When one astute commenter questioned the appropriateness of the post, Linton justified her bragging by saying that she paid a lot in taxes. Linton then implied that the commenter was a mere commoner and urged her to go eat cake watch the latest episode of Game of Thrones because it was fabulous. Linton has been accused of lying about her experiences in the past so at least she’s making progress on the veracity front—the latest episode is indeed fabulous. —Jason Bleck, “How Not to Instabrag”

 


 

Perhaps the most 21st-century business venture ever devised: Ghostface Killah is starting his own Cryptocurrency firm with a partner that he met on a Reddit AMA. If you’re over 35 and have no idea what those words mean, we got you covered. Cryptocurrency values have been taking investors on a wild ride this fall, with valuations shooting up and down in a matter of weeks, so it will be interesting to see how this pans out for GFK. Either way, we love the name CREAM (“Crypto Rules Everything Around Me”) Capitol.—Wesley Poer, “Don’t Pumpkin My Latte”

 


 

That’s it. It’s real and terrifying and if you left the safety of your home today you’ve made a grave mistake and should go right home and lock the door and not come out for some time.
—Chris Sanborn, “Why VR Is Dumb, Part 172”

 


 

From all of us at Sanborn, we wish you a very happy holiday weekend. May all your dreams come true.